Our Curriculum

My son has been in at least seven car accidents and has been arrested three times. Each time we have intervened and saved him from most of the consequences. We do this, I believe, out of fear and pity. I fear for his life, I look at him and my heart breaks, I feel pity for him looking back at how hard his life has been. All of these feelings, although very real, do not help my son or me and my family. In fact, they seem to have the opposite effect. It is hard to find the line between trying to control and enabling and every new situation requires a re-visit to this struggle. In the end, it comes down to faith that God has this. There is much comfort and healing in that but it is elusive. I have had times of faith and peace, so I know it’s there and I know it’s real. Just as the one battling addiction has to take it one day at a time, so does it go with keeping the faith.

One time I was in the hospital with my brother. I had left work and drove out of state to pick him up from his work within hours. I took him to the hospital and sat with him for hours before being seen. I then fought with the ER doctor (who was dismissive to addiction) in order for him to stay the night. My fight with the ER staff was out of fear and out of wanting to gain control. A part of me felt that if he could stay one night, it might be the “thing” that changes him. It could be the “moment” he hits his bottom. While some of those things may be true, it was also me trying to control the problem with a desire to fix it. I only had my brother as a sibling and a part of me really wanted to “fix it” for my parents sake. It is extremely hard to watch your parents hurt and it is natural to want to put the family “back together”. I learned in support groups, I can’t control it, I can’t fix it, and I didn’t cause it.

The first couple years, my parents tried to save me and fix me and do the best they could as any parent naturally would, but as time progressed, they found the key element, the secret sauce, the thing I hated most. They let me suffer my own consequences. I have been to jail three times and been to 12 rehabs. My parents have never bailed me out of any of these situations, and I’m a pretty manipulative person. That doesn’t mean I didn’t leave those rehab treatments. It just meant I left and stayed behind a gas station in the rain, or had someone pick me up and last about a week. Only to call them to get me back into treatment. My dad is a perfect example of “you can’t fix this for them.” He always did a good job of reminding me of all the hard things I’ve been through and encouraging me that if I’ve been through those things I can do what is in front of me now. The best thing to realize as a parent is that when your child is in active addiction, he might be physically there, but he’s not mentally there.

Encouragement and boundaries are the best thing and only thing you can do. My parents let me fall many times and it saved my life and countless more years of pain through addiction. Letting your child face their own consequences (letting them fall) speeds up the process of active addiction and in return gets them to recovery.

Don’t forget to pray. I think that might be the number one thing my parents did. God is a miracle worker! if he did miracles in the past, what's different from today? Jesus worked miracles on the same earth we walk today.

I carried so much disappointment and grief with me for so long - I didn’t realize how much it had influenced how I showed up in other areas of my life. My work, my marriage, and relationships with our other children. I had to make a personal choice not to let it take away my joy. God gave me an amazing gift of life and I have a responsibility to do something with it - not to be consumed with disappointment and loss. Grief is real. When our son faced a felony charge based on his poor choices and substance use, it was almost more than I could withstand. The shame was unbearable for a season. But knowing that God loves and has a perfect plan for him - better than anything else I could imagine - helped me to trust in what He was doing and fully release our son into His care. It was freeing! I slowly started shifting my focus to my life and what I am doing with it.

For over 10 years I carried grief. I used to grieve for the family that we once had before the addiction. I grieved the relationship I felt I was entitled to as a sibling. With my brother and my parents. Then once the addiction intensified, I grieved in a different way. It was anticipatory grief. I was in significant grief out of fear for the phone calls I would get. I would grieve the anticipation of my brother's divorce. I would grieve the anticipation of my brother's death. I would grieve the anticipation of my parents' hurt and pain as the sibling now left behind. I would grieve in a way survivor's guilt. Wondering why my sibling hurt so much and what I could have done to lessen the pain or take some away. I am living proof to also share, after my brother's passing, God does heal. He does restore, and He lets no tragedy go wasted. I am doing things now for God’s glory that I would never have dreamed of doing. I am here to share that in pain, there is also purpose, forgiveness, and restoration. Grief will always be a part of my life. There will also be something missing that should have been here, but I learn to dance with the pain and glorify God no matter what comes my way.

I think the thing that caused me the most grief was the expectations I had on my life. It wasn’t in my plans to get arrested at 17. It wasn’t in my plans to have to go do seven months at a teen rehab. It also wasn’t in my calendar to do another 11 rehabs after that or get arrested three times all before 22. I can go on and on flipping trucks, getting DUI’s, feeling like I was never enough. Getting sober just long enough to gain trust, just to lose it all again in one day. I think what changed the trajectory of my grief was on my fourth step in AA. Which is basically where you sit down and tell someone else your deepest, darkest secrets (and life story) . I realized I didn’t have to carry this baggage anymore because the person that I shared it with understood and had been through the same thing. Grief is only something that Satan creates. Everybody has baggage. It may be in a different suitcase, but it’s all the same. I think joining a support group and talking about it just like an AA is the best thing you can do. I believe that addiction and mental illness is all spiritual warfare And shame goes hand-in-hand with that. The best thing you can do is talk about it. Call out to God and ask for strength. It’s scary but the weight will be removed from your shoulders.